I can remember a sense of self hatred from when I was still a young child. I had no idea where it had come from or why, but simply felt this worthlessness from within myself. I believe there were several contributing factors to me developing depression at a young age, not fitting in with my peers chief among them. I suppose that’s why I found such a connection to the natural world in order to compensate. Throughout school, I would easily drift off to some other world with fantastical creatures.
It’s not hard to began believing that you don’t belong in the world you were born in, when your own mind can create such a better alternative. It wasn’t just the drifting off, or the lack of belonging that lead to severe depression, though they are big contributors. My brain had, and to some level still, has chemical imbalances or even genetic predisposition to function this way. I’ve heard many creative people suffer from depression and other serious mental health issues, and it seems to be the double edged sword to our being. That’s not to say other people with different talents don’t suffer just as much, they do.
The familiar misery is has an almost addictive, strangely comforting quality, especially when you have failed at some new task. The usual barrage of things you tell yourself are on you like a demon that’s just jumped on your back. “You’re not good enough”, “You don’t belong here”, “You’ll always be a failure at everything”. They may not sound like the ugliest insults, but when it’s your own mind is attacking you, it’s personal.
In my younger days, I was suicidal. I never truly attempted it, but the despair and intent were definitely there. It took a while before doctors found the right drug to finally help me get through this period, along with a psychologist that helped me as well. I’m also grateful to my parent for sticking with me during that time, as watching their daughter go through something like this had to be an absolutely horrible experience. I was lucky for that alone. It’s also of note that trying to eat healthier and exercising regularly have helped me, even if I slack off for a day or two. Simply going for a brisk walk when something sets me off has helped before.
The endless self doubt, and self inflicted dehumanization has left me physically tired on more than one occasion. Only when I’ve calmed the anger at myself can I try and sleep it off. It leaves me feeling guilt for upsetting the people around me, even though my intended target was only ever myself. Thankfully, I have people in my life that care enough about my well being to know that I am hurting myself. It comes and goes in waves, and with positive or negative experiences through the years. While I am on an antidepressant that helps me, the dark part of me is still hidden in the back of my mind to strike. It is much less severe now than in my adolescence, but still a presence I have to be aware of. It doesn’t matter what you do, mental illness is not something that just goes away.
I know this isn’t a cheerful thing to talk about, but as someone who’s experienced it, I know it needs to be talked about. Even in most of my personal life I don’t really share much of this information, but here on this blog I feel strangely more at ease to share it. I have had people leave me in the dust when I confided in them with this sort of thing before, so I suppose that’s why I’m hesitant to do it person currently unless it’s brought up. Unfortunately, there are people who have no empathy for those who suffer with depression, and see them as pathetic or crying out for attention. Nobody wants their own mind to be waiting in the rafters to attack them at every turn, nor d they ask to feel despair simply for the sake of attention. Feeling guilt for the way I feel and not speaking up about it should be enough to say that I didn’t ask for this.
I want to thank everyone who stops by and reads, likes, and follows this blog. I’m grateful to be able to bring you this content, and look forward to building on from that. Building content not just about the artwork I create, but also about my life and the things that I’m passionate about.
I will return with more art videos shortly!